You’ve been happy with your partner for a while now but something is starting to feel wrong.
It’s the last thing you want to believe but you suspect he might be cheating on you. How can you tell for sure without strapping a lie detector to him or hiring a private investigator?
We called on the most savvy relationship experts and psychologists, including Dr Annie Kaszina PhD, Britain’s top divorce lawyer and President of Vardags, Ayesha Vardag, and The Love Coach, TJ Gibbs, to share the signs you should be looking out for.
1. The usual suspects: lipstick on his collar or clothes, unexpected marks indicative of sexual activity on his body, another woman’s scent on his clothes or hair. Especially if this happens more than once.
2. All of a sudden, his working days are longer, maybe he even has to travel, so he’s away from you overnight, for a couple of days at a time, or even longer. Especially when this is coupled with some of the other signs, these are clear pointers that he probably is playing away. The same holds true of sudden, increased lifestyle expenses (drinks, meals, hotels) that don’t include you.
3. He’s not present. Even when he’s physically present, he’s off in his own world, he’s not really there with you.
4. He takes a lot more trouble over his appearance, whether that means dressing better, a sudden heavy use of aftershave, or an infatuation with the gym and lifting weights. Showering before coming to bed, which sometimes signifies guilt or a desire to avoid detection of the scent of a lover, is another clue. He may also be cleaning his car to remove any signs of another woman.
5. A new enthusiasm for a colleague at work, a newly single female, or even a friend of yours. Suddenly, he’s talking about her a lot and only too willing to help her out. In fact, he's almost over-helpful! It feels like a crush, to you.
6. He stops noticing you. You could probably wear a bag over your head and he wouldn’t notice. Even when he ‘makes an effort’ to be with you, he doesn’t really notice you. A client once told me she’d stuck a strand of her long hair in the flame during a candle-lit dinner with her husband – and he didn’t notice.
7. Hints and warnings from colleagues, friends and families. Chances are they have your best interests at heart, and they know something you don’t. Remember you are always the last to know whenever your partner cheats.
8. Your intuition is screaming at you that he’s having an affair. You may not be able to substantiate what your intuition is saying, but that doesn’t stop it being true. Your intuition doesn’t have an agenda. It doesn’t want you to hold onto this man at all costs. It just tells you the truth that it picks up from a thousand subtle clues.
9. His accusations that you’re jealous and/or crazy. Attack is a cheater’s best form of defence. These are classic ploys for making you doubt yourself. Unless you are a habitually jealous person, you need to trust your gut.
10. Showing you his text messages and email accounts. An accomplished cheat will have a mobile that you’ll never even see which he uses for his other woman/women. The same goes for email accounts. As regards social media, unless he is an idiot, and/or wants you to find out, you probably won’t find any traces of cheating on his social media.
11. Are they suddenly being overly nice? Allowing you to watch whatever you want on TV, buying you gifts, asking if you would like to go out to your favourite restaurant. For some, having an affair can make them act happier in their life… or guilt can make them try to make it up to you subconsciously
12. Maybe the opposite is true and they are constantly picking fault with you or accusing you of cheating. When attraction fades in a relationship and there’s something going on the side, it’s easy to get irritable. The added burden of deceit doesn’t help. Plus, once someone has successfully cheated undetected they start to think if they could do it why cant you.